


Narutostuck: Family Planning

by Elizabeth Culmer (edenfalling)



Series: Narutostuck [9]
Category: Homestuck, Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Alternate Universe - Human/Troll Society, Awkward Conversations, Bad Parenting, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Gen, Genetics, Good Intentions, Parent-Child Relationship, Prompt Fic, Unfortunate Implications
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-05-26 22:29:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6258277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edenfalling/pseuds/Elizabeth%20Culmer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Dirk's kids ask questions, he'll give them honest answers. He's pretty sure he's going to scar them for life sooner or later. (AKA, Dirk explains the old regime's eugenics program to Dave.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Narutostuck: Family Planning

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MadameHardy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadameHardy/gifts).



> This ficlet was written on 3/10/16 for [madamehardy](http://madamehardy.tumblr.com), in response to the prompt: _Narutostuck -- Dave finding out he's breeding stock. I'm guessing it was hilariterrible_.
> 
> ...I think you are underestimating how screwed up Kouin is/was, and therefore how _young_ Dave was at the time of the incident in question. But anyway! This is how that went down.

"Wait, but, does that mean you didn't want us?"

Dirk blinked at his son. "I didn't _not_ want you. Anyway, Roxy definitely wanted you, and since I had to have kids with someone if I didn't want to get killed, we figured it was better to hit two birds with one stone. We got two awesome kids for the price of one so I’d say everything worked out fine."

Dave still looked devastated.

Dirk sighed. The kid was way too much like Roxy for his peace of mind. But screw it, he could do emotions if the situation was important enough. Keeping Dave's heart from breaking definitely counted.

"C'mere, you," he said, as he set aside his current repair job (tiny little poisoner's puppet, all steel and glass, disguised as a parasitic wasp) and tugged Dave's bird-boned body onto his lap. "I don't care about people I don't know up close and personal, and before you and Rose were born I only knew you in the abstract. Obviously. But now I know you guys for real and I wouldn't trade you away for anything."

"Oh. Um. Good," Dave said, still sounding unsure but less close to a sudden outbreak of sobs. "But who was gonna kill you? Are you okay now or are they gonna come back and then me and Rose will get a little brother or something?"

Dirk pursed his lips and cast a dozen mental curses in Roxy's general direction. She was supposed to be the one explaining politics to the rugrats, not him. Clearly she'd been falling down on the job.

"The regime keeps a list of people who have useful talents -- maybe a tricky kind of chakra manipulation, or a nose sensitive enough to sniff out poisons, or a knack for strategy. It would be wasteful if they died without passing those gifts on, so the regime makes sure every troll on the list contributes buckets on every collection day instead of just once a sweep, and every human on the list has at least two kids. Sometimes you can pick the other parent, but sometimes you have to pair up with a specific other person on the list."

"You and Mom were on the list?" Dave asked.

"I was," Dirk said, ruffling his fingers through Dave's hair. "Roxy wasn't, but we're cousins and that ups the chance of reinforcing recessive genes--"

"Huh?"

Dirk paused and recalibrated. "Uh, passing on traits that get drowned out a lot of the time. Like, most words don't rhyme so you have to pick them carefully when you're building a verse. Everybody has a different set of genes -- like a different set of words -- and close relatives are more likely to have words that rhyme with each other which makes it more likely they can write a cool rap together instead of just tossing a bunch of word salad. So the docterrorists let us slide even though Roxy wasn't one of the people they'd picked for me to have kids with."

"Oh," Dave said.

"Any more questions?"

Dave curled in on himself and pressed tight against Dirk's torso. "Um. If you were on the list, does that mean me and Rose are too?"

Dirk was going to give Roxy hallucinations of tap-dancing puppets for weeks in revenge for this, just wait. Also he was totally abandoning her to the long list of unnerving questions Rose would probably have once Dave reported this conversation to his twin. "Not yet. But you probably will be. Sorry, kid."

"Oh," Dave said again.

He was quiet for a while, probably chewing over the change to his worldview. After a few seconds, Dirk reached over the kid's head and started fiddling with the mechanical wasp's wings, trying to figure out the exact angle that was making them catch and stick. It kept changing, though -- probably some bit of sand or gunk shifting around the interior gears. He'd have to crack it open to get anywhere. He pulled over a sheet of drafting paper and a pencil so he could sketch records of where every part was _now_ so he'd have a better shot of putting it back together after he started playing around.

He was just setting the tip of his smallest screwdriver to the hinge at the base of one wing when Dave jolted upright and said, utterly outraged, "Wait, if cousins make a better rap than people who aren't family, and the regime wants to make the best raps, and me and Rose are probably on their list, does that mean they'll make me and Rose have kids _together?_ "

Dirk never did find where he'd flung the screwdriver.


End file.
